Lists of Fives

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5ives is a great burst of good taste


Five things of which I will never tire

June 21st, 2007

1.       chimps

2.       The Godfather, Part II

3.       lobster rolls

4.       nature shows involving predatory insects

5.       Glengarry Glen Ross

Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit

May 29th, 2007

1.       Performance

2.       Excellence

3.       Mission Statement

4.       Synergy

5.       Enterprise

Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates

August 14th, 2006

1.       getting decent disability insurance

2.       rum allergies

3.       sexual harassment from that fancy new bosun

4.       irritable bowel syndrome

5.       finding one-legged pants that won’t make your hips look too broad

Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS

October 23rd, 2006

1.       Surviving members of every 50s doo-wop band fight to the death with clubs — shirtless and totally coked-up — in massive Thunderdome-like arena

2.       cast of Monty Python comments on previous pledge-season Python commentaries (available on DVD for one-time $200 donation)

3.       Gwen Eiffel leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured

4.       Suze Orman and Johnny Knoxville kick each other in the genitals for 90 minutes

5.       Antiques Roadshow guests offered immediate cash on the barrel-head; provided they can eat their entire antique in three minutes

Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants

November 13th, 2006

1.       B.F. Skinner’s Original Stuffers – The poultry skin of your choosing is stuffed with a la carte selections from “th’ fixin’s bar,” deep fried to a golden brown, and served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces.

2.       Bobby B. Butterworth’s Old Fashioned Dairy Funshack – A frozen quarterpound stick of salted creamery butter is hand-battered, “flash fried,” and served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces.

3.       Long John Silvers’ “Dripper” Hut – Offshoot of the fast-food seafood franchise offers “mini-buckets” of their leftover fried shortening flecks, served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces.

4.       Mouth Meat Mel’s – 450º pizza — sure to immediately scald the roof of your mouth — is served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces. (note: first-time members of “The Mel’s Mouth Meat Makers” receive a colorful “I damaged the delicate tissues of my mouth at Mel’s!” adhesive ribbon)

5.       Dippin’ Dippin’ Dippin’! – The “Dippin’” sauce of your choice is served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces

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