· What do you call a fish with no eyes? …Fsh…
· What do you call a cow with no legs? -Ground Beef.
· What do you call a cow with only two legs? -Lean Beef.
· What do you call a cow with three legs? -Tri Tip.
· What do you call a cow jumping over a barbwire fence? -Udder Desctruction.
· What did Spock find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise? The Captain’s Log!
· How do chickens stay in shape?
· Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they’re ugly and smell bad.
· a guy walks into a bar with a salamander. the bar tender notices, “whats its name?”, and the guy replies “tiny.” to that the bar tender asks “why?” and the guy says “because he’s my newt”
· Why did the strawberry cry? Cuz his mom was in a jam.
· Where does the General keep his armies? Up his sleevies!!
· Q: Why are there only 239 beans in a bag of beans? A: Because one more would be too farty.
· How do you catch a polar bear? You dig a hole in the ice. When he bends over to get a fish, you kick him in the ice hole.
· a pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said ”hey you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?” the pirate said ” aargh it’s driving me nuts!”
· Did you hear the one about the jump rope? Skip it.
· What kind of key opens a banana? a monkey
· What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in a pile of leaves? Rustle
· What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in the ocean? Bob
· Q: What does Michael Jackson like about Twenty Five year olds? A: There’s Twenty of ‘em.
· Do you have any holes in your socks? Then how did you get your feet in?
· What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.
· Famous last words of a mafia hit man: “Who put a violin in the violin case?”
· Q: Where does hamburger go to dance A: The meat ball
· Q: How does one hamburger introduce another hamburger? A: Meet Patty
· How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
· How did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.
· Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
· Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
· Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.”
· What do you do if you’re attacked by a gang of carnies? Go for the juggler.
· What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
· I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
· Guy 1: Somebody said you sounded like an owl. Guy 2: Who?
· Conjunctivitis.com… now that’s a site for sore eyes.
· I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
· Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil (a #2 pencil, naturally).
· How to you wake Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
· Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
· What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Well, anyone can roast beef.
· I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
· How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis.
· Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
· Today I gave my dead batteries away….Free of charge.
· What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
· The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
· Where were potatoes first fried? In Greece
· Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
· What do you do when your nose goes on strike? Picket.
· What happens if life gives you melons? Your’e dyslexic.
· A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat. The bartender says “Hey pirate, what’s with the paper towel?” The pirate replied “Arr, I got a bounty on me head!”
· Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!
· There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.
· If someone hits you over the head with a coffee cup, have you been mugged?
· How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
· Velcro. What a ripoff.
· How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
· Where do you find a one legged dog? Wherever you left it.
· What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
· I knew a guy that was addicted to brake fluid, but he said he could stop anytime.
· Wanna hear a joke about a pizza? Oh never mind it’s too cheesy [That’s the problem pizza jokes – it’s all in the delivery].
· Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on doodie
· How does Jesus make tea? Hebrews it.
· It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
· I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
· What kind of lock is on a hippie’s door? A padlock.
· A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.
· What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce