All the one liners I could handle this morning:


· What do you call a fish with no eyes? …Fsh…

· What do you call a cow with no legs? -Ground Beef.

· What do you call a cow with only two legs? -Lean Beef.

· What do you call a cow with three legs? -Tri Tip.

· What do you call a cow jumping over a barbwire fence? -Udder Desctruction.

· What did Spock find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise? The Captain’s Log!

· How do chickens stay in shape?
They eggs-ercise!

· Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they’re ugly and smell bad.

· a guy walks into a bar with a salamander. the bar tender notices, “whats its name?”, and the guy replies “tiny.” to that the bar tender asks “why?” and the guy says “because he’s my newt”

· Why did the strawberry cry? Cuz his mom was in a jam.

· Where does the General keep his armies? Up his sleevies!!

· Q: Why are there only 239 beans in a bag of beans? A: Because one more would be too farty.

· How do you catch a polar bear? You dig a hole in the ice. When he bends over to get a fish, you kick him in the ice hole.

· a pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said ”hey you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?” the pirate said ” aargh it’s driving me nuts!”

· Did you hear the one about the jump rope? Skip it.

· What kind of key opens a banana? a monkey

· What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in a pile of leaves? Rustle

· What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in the ocean? Bob

· Q: What does Michael Jackson like about Twenty Five year olds? A: There’s Twenty of ‘em.

· Do you have any holes in your socks? Then how did you get your feet in?

· What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.

· Famous last words of a mafia hit man: “Who put a violin in the violin case?”

· Q: Where does hamburger go to dance A: The meat ball

· Q: How does one hamburger introduce another hamburger? A: Meet Patty

· How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.

· How did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.

· Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

· Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.

· Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.”

· What do you do if you’re attacked by a gang of carnies? Go for the juggler.

· What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre

· I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

· Guy 1: Somebody said you sounded like an owl. Guy 2: Who?

·… now that’s a site for sore eyes.

· I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

· Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil (a #2 pencil, naturally).

· How to you wake Lady Gaga? Poke her face.

· Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

· What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Well, anyone can roast beef.

· I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.

· How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis.

· Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

· Today I gave my dead batteries away….Free of charge.

· What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

· The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

· Where were potatoes first fried? In Greece

· Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.

· What do you do when your nose goes on strike? Picket.

· What happens if life gives you melons? Your’e dyslexic.

· A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat. The bartender says “Hey pirate, what’s with the paper towel?” The pirate replied “Arr, I got a bounty on me head!”

· Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!

· There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.

· If someone hits you over the head with a coffee cup, have you been mugged?

· How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

· Velcro. What a ripoff.

· How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

· Where do you find a one legged dog? Wherever you left it.

· What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.

· I knew a guy that was addicted to brake fluid, but he said he could stop anytime.

· Wanna hear a joke about a pizza? Oh never mind it’s too cheesy [That’s the problem pizza jokes – it’s all in the delivery].

· Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on doodie

· How does Jesus make tea? Hebrews it.

· It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

· I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.

· What kind of lock is on a hippie’s door? A padlock.

· A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.

· What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce

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